Guest Blog: On personality, emotional labor, and surviving the holidays

I ran across this blog post this week and thought it would be very appropriate to share.

On personality, emotional labor, and surviving the holidays. By Anne on Nov 23, 2015 08:11 am I just finished listening to an old podcast where Dan Pink interviews Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. I’ve read (and loved) Quiet before, but here on the cusp of the holiday season—for my own survival’s sake—I’m making myself revisit a concept I learned of from Cain: emotional labor. In the podcast, Cain explains that introverts can be extremely, genuinely social—even for long periods of time—and enjoy being so. But for true introverts, putting on this extroverted front over a period of days or weeks isexhausting. This phenomenon has a name: it’s called “emotional labor,” and it’s what you experience any time you project (or, to put it not-so-nicely, fake) an emotion or attitude that doesn’t come easily. In Quiet, Cain describes emotional labor as “the effort we make to control and change our own emotions,” and says it’s “associated with stress, burnout, and even physical symptoms like an increase in cardiovascular disease.” That doesn’t sound good, but it nevertheless rings true: I’m no stranger to the peculiar introvert exhaustion she describes. And while I hate the idea that I work to project emotions I don’t really feel, I have to admit I do this all the time—especially as an introvert. There are many, many times every day when I make myself get interested in my kid’s art project instead of heading out for a walk by myself, or tell my kids they can dance to the Laurie Berkner Christmas album for the third time in a row when I would prefer the quiet. These issues are top of mind right now because the holidays are especially taxing for introverts. It’s taken meyears to realize that as much as I enjoy the holiday festivities, they’re incredibly draining. Seeing old friends, visiting family, packing and traveling, and the kids’ contagious excitement are all good things, but they take their toll. I still need need to remind myself to plan accordingly: to take that walk by myself, go to bed early, or curl up for an hour with a movie or a good book. Do you relate to this experience of emotional labor? How do you manage it during the holidays?

Kicking The Cat

The master motivator, author, and speaker Zig Ziglar came up with this wonderful analogy years ago. Here’s a paraphrased version of his great work.

Mr. C was the top dog.  He could come and go as he wanted. He enjoyed lunches at the club almost every day.  One day he simply lost track of time.   He looked at his watch and realized he was going really late in getting back to work. He left the restaurant and jumped in his car. He burned rubber leaving the parking lot. As he got on the freeway he put the pedal to the metal.  As he sped down the highway, his heart skipped a beat when he heard the siren. He’d been clocked doing 96 mph.

As he stopped the officer simply asked, “Where’re you going in such a hurry?” “I’m needed at work,” he replied abruptly, “I’m a very important man!”  “Well, you’re not above the law.”  “I didn’t say I was … but shouldn’t you be chasing real criminals and leave me alone?”  “I’ll leave you alone in a few minutes. Let’s see your driver’s license, registration, and insurance card.”

Mr. C handed him the requested information. Then he sat there and stewed. As the minutes passed by, he got more and more angry.  The officer came back and handed him a ticket, along with the rest of his documents. He grabbed them out of the officer’s hand, rolled up his window, and took off down the road.

He finally arrived at work. He was really late now. When he finally got to the office, the first person he saw was his sales manager.

“How’s it going, Mr. C” said the sales manager with a smile.  “I want to see you in my office NOW!”, was Mr. C’s response.  The sales manager followed him into his office.

As Mr. C  threw his coat down on the couch, he yelled at the sales manager, “You fell short of your goal last week for the second week in a row. I want to know what you’re going to do to get back on track and I want to know now.”  “Mr. C, we talked about this yesterday. We have four big deals. Any one of them will put us over the top and I’m sure we’ll get at least one of them.”  “I’ll believe it when I see it,” Mr. C blurted out while looking at some papers on his desk. “You’re dismissed.”

The bewildered sales manager walked back to his office. When he got there, the first person he saw was his assistant. He screamed at her. She screamed at someone who screamed at someone else.

And so it went for the rest of the day.

Eventually the receptionist got yelled at. When she got home, the first person she saw was her twelve-year old boy. She yelled at him and sent him to his room.

On the way to his room, the family cat walked in front of him. He kicked the cat!

So here’s the question –
Wouldn’t it have been much better, for everyone involved, if Mr. C had just gone directly to the receptionist’s house and kicked the cat?

I love this story, there are rough days almost every week and I really hope that I do not spend my day kicking other people, or as far as that goes even kicking my cat!

Nothing Changes When Nothing Changes

Today I was reminded of some really good principles in the John Kotter book, Leading Change.

John is the  co-founder of Kotter International.  As business consultancy firm they apply Kotter's research on leadership, strategy execution, transformation, and any form of large-scale change to businesses of all sizes.
I believe these principles apply to both my business and my personal life. 

Here’s what John’s book has taught me:

1.  Establish a sense of urgency.  So, what am I dissatisfied  with?
2.  Form a guiding coalition. Leading change of any size requires getting buy in from people around me.  Does our mission and values align and are we committed to our future.
3.  Develop a vision and strategy.  Have we put in the time to really develop a vision that attracts  and drives action?
4.  Communicate the vision.  This one is a favorite.  Do I communicate our vision effectively. Without great communication, a vision is a mere dream.  Mr. Kotter is right—“Behavior from important people that is inconsistent with the vision overwhelms other forms of communication.”

5.  Empower others to act.  Do I empower and deploy others for action?  Have I removed obstacles?
6.  Generate short-term wins.  Have I identified and complimented others around me? I remember being taught as a parent that it takes 7 praises  to counteract one put-down comment!7.  Consolidate improvements and produce more change.  Effective change gives me more credibility to keep making changes.
8.  Anchor new approaches in the culture.  Great culture is what helps us thrive. Again,  Kotter stated: “Culture is not something you manipulate easily. Culture changes only after people’s actions have been changed”

A semiannual habit of mine is to take half a day alone and consider changes I need to make.  I ask myself:
Who am I?  What am I doing?  How will I reach my goals?   When will I implement change?  Finally, if I continue on my current path will I be where I want to be in six months?

If  the answer is NO --- What needs to change?  Time is of the essence for me in both my business and my personal life.

I don’t know about you, but years ago I learned, “Nothing changes, When nothing changes!”


It really is true, “This world will simply push me through---I must be strong and open to all the constant change I need to make in order to stay up with this fast paced world.” 

Happy Days

Did you hear an icon died on October 30^th?   

Al of “Happy Days” is gone. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Al_Molinaro

“Happy Days” was a favorite TV show of mine.  Yes, it was predictable and impractical, but it painted a very romantic picture of the 1950’s, my kid - decade.

As a kid I remember dreaming of being an adult:

I would make my own decisions.  No one would tell me “Go, pick up your room.” “Carolyn, stop talking, listen!”  Remember, “Yes, ma’am or no, ma’am”.  “You may play in your own yard.”  “No snacks before dinner.” 

There would be diners where I’d sit and share hamburgers with all my friends.  We would eat all the french-fries we could hold, and drink chocolate milk shakes anytime of the day. 

We could dance all day and talk all night. Our clothes would stay clean and our shoes would never wear out.  It was going to be a perfect world!  After all, I would be an adult.  I’d be entitled.

Unfortunately as a child I didn’t understand King Solomon’s words, in Proverbs 4:26-27:  “Mark out a straight path for your feet; stay on the safe path.  Don’t get sidetracked”.

As an adult, I lead others. 

Our team is a collective whole and we have a vision:

“We exist as an Escrow Team to provide Arizona Realtors and Lenders cutting edge marketing and educational opportunities.  In turn providing them the most effective and efficient escrow closing process achievable while maintaining a high standard for Great American Title Agency, Inc.”

So, I will admit I do not live in the wonderful world of the 1950’s, however I love what I do.  I love who we serve.

As 2015 draws to a conclusion we are once again looking forward to serving you on November 19^th at the 9^th annual Thanksgiving Lunch at the Stapley Center.  Please mark you calendar for lunch with us between 11 and 1 on the Thursday before Thanksgiving, as we will again celebrate some very happy days!

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